My definition of conflict is:
“When two incompatible strategies for fulfilling our needs cause emotions that make a mutually satisfying solution harder to achieve.”
Conflicts arise when our strategies for fulfilling our needs are incompatible with the strategies of others, and when that gives rise to feelings that make it harder to achieve a solution or way forward that is satisfying to all parties involved.
In this definition, a conflict has an emotional charge. Without that emotional charge, I would describe it as a disagreement rather than a conflict. So, to understand conflicts and manage them well, we need to honor that there are feelings involved, whether those feelings are openly acknowledged and communicated or not.
The magic formula of life
We have certain things we want in life. Those wants are directly connected to different strategies: things we do or don’t do. For example, we want a new car, so the strategy is to buy a car and perhaps work hard to earn the money or take out a loan at the bank.
The thing about these wants is that they are not necessarily the end goal. We want those things and use those strategies because they will fulfill a need we have. The car in the example above might satisfy a need for mobility.
The strategy is what we do to meet a need. Different people can have similar needs while choosing very different strategies to fulfill them.
But that need may not be the end goal either. What we really want is to feel a certain way, to experience a certain state. When our needs are fulfilled, we may experience feelings such as joy, happiness, satisfaction and love.
One of my teachers said that the quality of our lives is directly related to the feelings and emotional states we experience regularly. If we regularly experience irritation, frustration, anger and resentment, life can feel pretty tough. On the other hand, regularly experiencing creativity, companionship, passion and serenity can provide the basis for a pretty great life.
So when our needs are fulfilled, we can get that great experience of a yummy feeling. The opposite can also happen: when our needs are not met, we may experience less desirable feelings, such as those mentioned above.
Looking beneath the strategy
When we are in conflict, it is easy to focus on the strategy: what the other person is doing, what we want them to stop doing or whose solution should win.
A useful next step can be to explore the needs behind those strategies. Understanding a need does not mean agreeing to a particular solution. It can help us look for other ways forward that take both people’s needs into account.
Try looking beneath a disagreement
Think of a disagreement you feel comfortable reflecting on. Ask yourself:
- What do I want to happen, and what need would that fulfill for me?
- What feelings am I noticing, and what might they be telling me?
- What might the other person need? What could I ask rather than assume?
- Could there be another strategy that takes both our needs into account?
You don’t have to find a solution immediately. Start by getting a clearer understanding of what matters to each of you.
If you’d like to develop your approach to challenging conversations, explore my online courses, including Difficult Conversations.