Change is first and foremost internal, not external.
Herein lie both the bright side of change and the dark side, or heaven and hell, if you will.
The fact that change is first internal means that you do not need to rely on external factors to change before you can change. By making a decision to modify your internal processes of focus, words and the way you use your body, you can make a change in an instant.
What we need to be aware of, though, is that because you make the change internally, it does not mean it has yet happened externally. When you are surrounded by people, at home, at work or elsewhere, there is an amazing beauty in how you can mirror each other. Acknowledge each other by responding to each other so that you know you exist and have meaning.
However, each and every one of us has a past, a present and a future. The way these interact is that we move from our history through the present moment into the future.
So, you make a choice to change in the present. You have a history that you are now fed up enough with that you desire a change. Perhaps you also associate your potential future, if you were to continue with your old behavior, with so much pain that this causes you to decide to change.
Whatever the reason, you look back at your history and then make a change in the moment with the intention of changing your potential future to a more rewarding and pleasant one. This would all be good if your life were only an internal process. In a sense, maybe it is: the quality of our lives is not created by the events that occur in them, but rather by the meaning, an internal process, that we give those events.
But humor me for a moment and let’s face it: most likely, if you are not a hermit living in a distant cave, your life will also consist of a major external component.
So, with your new decision to change, you go out and meet your colleagues, friends and/or family. They, however, have a history also: a history of your relationship with them in which they have experienced your old behavior, and which is most definitely influencing how they perceive you in the given moment.
When you come along with your wonderful new decision to change, to move away from your old story and instead script a new story of your life, your fellow human beings might still be living your old script or story, so to speak. They may treat you like your old self. They may even impose your old story on you by reminding you of what kind of person they perceive you to be, i.e. the old-story you, not the bright, shiny one you wish to see.
This may cause pain. It certainly has at times for me. I have had behaviors that have had negative effects on my relationships, and I have decided to change those. However, I was reminded several times by people around me about my old self. They would talk about how many people I had hurt or how often I had ended up in conflicts with people.
And the most painful part about this reception from people around me was that these reminders often came when I felt I had had a victory. I especially remember one time when I had stayed calm in an interaction with another person who was clearly upset, even emotional, and had a different view from mine.
I was proud of myself for not losing my temper as I would have in my old story, only to be reminded in the next conversation by my wife that half of our neighbors thought I was an asshole, or something along those lines. To say the least, I was deflated in that moment, clearly tempted to retreat, to go back to my old self, where I at least knew what to expect and where, in a sense, I felt safer.
What can be learned from this? Well, one of my teachers, Anthony Robbins, says that every time you set a goal, an opponent will arise. In other words, your resolve will be tested. In this case, we could translate that to: every time you decide to change an internal process, an external opponent will arise, equally ready to test your resolve.
How do we handle this? I think a major part is simply awareness. Even though you have changed in the moment—how you relate to your past and what this specific part of the story of your life should mean—others may still be so influenced by the old story that they will not initially embrace your change as a great change for the better, as you most likely feel that it is or should be.
So hang in there. I believe your greatest challenges are, in many ways, your greatest gifts if you choose to stick around long enough for them to transform. Remember that change happens in two realms. It is decided internally, but needs to be manifested externally.
And in that external manifestation, you will need to convince those around you that you mean business when you are rewriting the story of your life, by being fully in the moment with all of yourself and fully embracing the new future that lies beyond that moment.